remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
