I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize