just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
