I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
