when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
sarcasm needs its own font
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
