Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
