glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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