Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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