Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
