i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
