Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
