Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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