fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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