If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
