you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
