no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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