Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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