Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Blood and glitter go together right?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
