I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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