we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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