If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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