If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
