Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
