thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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