this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
