You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
