he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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