There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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