they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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