I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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