We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
