I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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