Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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