There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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