he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
