last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
