So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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