also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
