who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
