Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
