I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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