oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
