So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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