i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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