I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
