hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
