Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize