the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
