yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
