I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
