i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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