apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
