Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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