Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
