You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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